By Rabbi Arthur Nemitoff
Sam and Mary had an appointment with the rabbi. Their daughter, Rachel, was scheduled to become a Bat Mitzvah in less than a year. Mary was nervous. Sam did all the talking.
“With all due respect, Rabbi,” Sam began, “we want to know what we are getting into before Rachel starts her Bat Mitzvah studies. You see, Rabbi, Mary is not Jewish. And we want to be sure that she can be a part of our daughter’s celebration. We really want the whole family to participate.”
Becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a wonderful event. The child stands before family, friends, and community and declares: “Being Jewish is important to me. I stand today – just as my ancestors did at Mt. Sinai – as a responsible Jewish (young) adult.
How marvelous! How equally marvelous it is that non-Jewish parents and relatives wish to support this Jewish effort and commitment. So, how do interfaith families join together for this occasion?
Here are a few suggestions for interfaith families contemplating a Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebration.
Talk with your rabbi early to know what the opportunities might be.
Each synagogue is different. There is only one way to know what a congregation and a rabbi will permit family members to do: ASK! Most non-Jewish parents are relieved just to know what they and their “side” of the family can do in a religious service. Rabbis and congregations owe it to their interfaith-married families to share openly the policy for non-Jewish participation in Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebrations.
Some practical questions to ask include:
- Can both parents be on the bimah (pulpit) as the child is called to the Torah?
- Can non-Jewish relatives participate in any of the honors given out Friday night or Saturday morning? (e.g. opening the ark, dressing the Torah, reciting prayers or blessings) If the Torah is passed down through the generations, can non-Jewish parents and grandparents share in that passing?
Remember: Synagogues are in the business of helping Jewish families live Jewish lives. Each community has its limits and privileges. Just as a non-Christian would not take communion, so, too, synagogues have frameworks within which non-Jewish family members can participate.
Teach non-Jewish family members about the upcoming ceremony of Bar/Bat Mitzvah.
Take the time to let non-Jewish relatives understand why your child is preparing so hard for his/her special Shabbat. Help them learn what Shabbat is, what Torah means, how Jews understand Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Among the books available, I recommend two in particular: Bar/Bat Mitzvah Basics: A Practical Family Guide to Coming of Age Together, edited by Cantor Helen Leneman; and Putting God on the Guest List: How to Reclaim the Spiritual Meaning of Your Child’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah, by Rabbi Jeffrey Salkin.
Show non-Jewish family members what being Jewish means to your family and to your community.
Invite them to join you at a Shabbat service – both Friday night and Saturday morning. Allow them to experience a child becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, so they will be more comfortable when their relative stands on the bimah. Equally important, though, is showing them Judaism in your home. Invite them to have a Shabbat dinner with you, to help you celebrate Passover, Sukkot, Hanukkah. Then, they will appreciate the true meaning of this life-cycle event for your family.
Such preparation can begin a few months before the ceremony or even before a baby is born.
But there is another type of preparation. The challenge of an interfaith family is balancing each parent’s own religious tradition and the Jewish tradition in which the child is raised. Emotional and religious dynamics come to the forefront during this time. Questions parents should ask of themselves include:
- As the non-Jewish parent, what has been my commitment to my child’s Jewish life? Car-pooling is important, but what about instilling Jewish values, Jewish time, Jewish traditions? Will my participation in the ceremony be a natural extension of who I have been all along?
- As the Jewish parent, have I been the sole provider of the Jewish “genes” for my child? What has my partner offered to fashion our child’s Jewish identity? Will my spouse be comfortable participating in rituals s/he may not believe in, or which speak against his/her own belief system?
- Has our extended family been supportive and nurturing of our decision to raise our child as a Jew? Will they be comfortable doing “Jewish” acts, when they themselves do not choose to be Jewish?
If the answer is no to any of these questions, this can be a wonderful teaching moment, where parents help their child understand that values and actions go hand-in-hand. Clearly, most children desire their parents and family all to celebrate. They want to be “like everyone else.” This is an opportunity for parents to teach about the statement one makes when leading Jewish worship (by accepting an honor during services). And the statement is: “I support my child’s Jewish choices, my child’s Jewish identity.” The parent (or family) who has been uninvolved Jewishly can still celebrate authentically and participate fully in the “secular” aspects of the celebration (party, etc.) and in those aspects of the service which involve “presence” but not “participation.” In this manner, the child is honored by both parents (and family) and the child understands the privilege of “being Jewish and behaving Jewishly.”
Honest answers will help each family know what level of participation is appropriate for this “coming-of-Jewish-age” ceremony for the child.
It is an extraordinary opportunity for learning and growing when interfaith families begin to think about the B’nai Mitzvah. Asking a few questions – both of self and of synagogue – and sharing one’s Jewish heritage in advance can make the event one of true celebration for every member of the family who attends.